Friday, March 25, 2011

The New World Order

Everybody get ready to move your clocks once again. Will it never end? Don't get us wrong, we love the annual springing forward, but we hate! we hate! the falling back. It plunges us in darkness! 'I know,' someone thought, 'let's make things worse for them! [maniacal laughter]' It's some sort of system of reward and punishment. Well, at least we're in the reward phase at the moment. We've been good! (Except for you Southern Hemisphere people – what were you thinking?)

Actually, Mr Parenthetical, that's a good point. I think you've spotted a global inconsistency here. Okay, so you've got all these different time zones zig-zagging the earth like cracks on fire-glazed china, all so we're 'matched up', you know, so that we're 'synced', more or less. And you've got these crazy half-way zones, like in India, where you're switching over half hour intervals like some sort of mad person. And this way, apparently, 7pm feels the same in Shanghai as it does in Tallahassee. We'll call it chronosimilitude.

[Brief tangent: does anyone else find the word 'mouthfeel', as used by food reviewers, creepy? 'That burger has such great mouthfeel.' Shivers down my spine, literally – hey! Buddy! I don't want to picture your mouth!]

So why is it, then, that we don't do the same with our months? I haven't fully worked this out yet (come on, I just came up with it mid-paragraph), but I surmise it would work best on a latitudinal basis rather than the longitudinal division on which our hourly system is devised. Okay, so I'm thinking here:

Above the Arctic Circle, it would be, uh, eight months of December, followed by a quick cycle-through of the other eleven months, each of them accorded, oh, I don't know, 11 days each. Done.

Between the Arctic Circle and the halfway line (45°N) you'd have four months of December, four months of March, four months of June and four months of September.

Between midcourt and the Tropic of Cancer: status quo. No need to scrap your calendars, you're good to go.

From the Tropic of Cancer to the Equator it's July every day of the year.

For the Southern Hemisphere it's exactly the same, but in reverse.

I'm glad we had this little chat.

No comments: