Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Disquisition on the hammer

I’m going to tell you what I’ve been thinking about lately. I’ve been thinking about what a strange phrase this is: ‘You are more like a hammer than anything else.’ What is this person trying to say? Is this person trying to say that my similarity to a hammer is stronger than my similarity to any other object, or is this person trying to say that I am more hammer-like than any other person or thing – to his or her knowledge – is hammer-like?

Unfortunately I am unable to go back and ask him or her what he or she had meant by this phrase, because he or she has dissolved into the ether, in a most dissettling fashion. (I looked up ‘dissettling’ on the internet, and the internet says that it’s okay for me to use it.) I need confirmation. I can’t sleep at night. It’s as if a tiny, ogreish person is living underneath me, shouting out through the floorboards every time I take a breath (through my saxophone).

Hammernet.com tells me that every part of a regulation curved-claw hammer has a name. Besides the eponymous claw, it has a face, a neck, a head, a throat, a cheek and an eye. It has a handle as well, of course, but noting that makes it disappointingly less bird-like. Come out with it, you can’t imagine a bird with a handle, can you? A bird on a stick? Ridiculous. And delicious.

This brings up another point: why don’t they make feathered hammers? It makes me very angry. Feathered horses, check; feathered hammers, no chance. I am very angry. It all just makes me want to bash my hammer-headed face through the floorboards and smash that ogre, so that me, my cheek, my head, my throat, can get some sleep.

Perhaps that was what he or she was referring to, when he or she said that I am ‘more like a hammer, [etc.]‘. So angry.

[Extracted from the files of Knits a stinK.]

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